Part 4: City Wok and the Tower of Peace

Hello everyone, welcome back. Today we're gonna finish exploring the majority of the town.



This guy is one of the few bums that we can't kick out of the town. He's actually a merchant, and one of the most convenient ones. Typically whenever I run low on bottles of water, I come to this guy.





The equipment he sells isn't very good.



One of the goth kids, I think it was Pete, talked about the cool homeless guy on the far end of town. These cosmetics make us look like a goth kid. Take a wild guess what we're going to have to do in the future at some point.



Like I said, he's one of the most convenient merchants to quickly access. Kupa Keep's store is just as convenient, but I forget that it's there. Every time you come to this screen (which is surprisingly often) you see this guy, so he tends to stick in my mind more.



One of the weapon sticker he sold was this thing. Adding extra Gross damage is really helpful.



This is the other weapon sticker he sold.

Gross damage is one of the status effects that I haven't covered yet. In fact, if I'm not mistaken, it's the last status effect we haven't covered. It causes moderate damage at the end of an enemy's turn, and prevents them from healing. Furthermore, if an enemy tries to heal and is Grossed Out, they take damage instead.

Status effects tend to be how you win in the harder fights in this game. All of the damage effects stack with each other, so it's not uncommon to have an enemy be afflicted with every debuff, taking hilarious amounts of damage. Stun them and... well, you get the idea. I would like to note that we can now deal all three damaging status effects.



Oh well. This is a "watch tower" according to the elf at the top. So let's deprive the elves of territory.







The game isn't completely broken yet, but we're about 80% of the way there.



He takes 39 tick damage from the bleed effect. We're kind of powerful now.





Correction. We're kind of powerful now. Dragon's Breath can now hit multiple enemies per cast.



Anyway, a little to the left is the U-STOR-IT building.



Inside we find this switch which opens the gate outside. There's also obviously an item cache behind the swinging gate, but it's apparently locked.



The Facebook message from Officer Barbrady I showed off last time. This screenshot was mostly to show that the gate outside did indeed open.





There's three storage lockers we can open back here. Two of them are locked, but we have the key to the third one.



In here a recording plays. The script says it's Professor Chaos, but... c'mon, it's Butters.

: HAHAHAHAA! You have tripped the mighty CHAOS ALARM and now the earth shall be destroyed in 10 seconds! 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... BLAMO!



: And now all of these lights and electrical equipment you see are ON and will never be turned off!! Draining the Earth's entire power supply and plunging humanity into a deep cold darkness. Without light or heat or computers or power, humans will be left to fend for themselves against the beasts and the elements! HUMANITY BE DAMNED!! HAHAHAHAHA!

: Wow we must have stumbled upon the secret and cool lair of a super evil super cool super genius.
: (if you break a cardboard box) Hey! No reason to break his nice evil genius things.



On the far side of the Chaos Lair we find "General Disarray." He adds us on Facebook if we talk to him. This is obviously Dougie, but I'm not gonna complain that we can double dip for a friend perk.

: Dougie spoke of you and says you'd make a worthy ally.
: Professor Chaos left me here to keep changing the light bulbs until the Earth's energy supply is drained.



Just to add extra insult to injury, we now deal more damage to (and take less damage from) enemies that are bleeding.



The wall behind Dougie has Butters' search for who the mysterious "Mysterion" is. It's Kenny.



There's not a lot to do in here, sadly. The Chinpokomon was on top of the air duct.



Speaking of air ducts, we can walk into this one.





The Red Cross badge is another piece in our "snap the game in half" kit. Anyway, that's all we can do in the part of town, so it's time to head left.



: Psst. Pssst, hey. Over here.

Is that the wind blowing? I swear I heard something over here. Hey random lady, did you hear anything?

: I heard City Wok is serving Mongolian food now.

Guess not. Oh well. Tweek Bros. Coffee sounds like somewhere we're likely to find Tweek.



: Welcome to Tweek Coffee. Coffee made with ingredients supplied by local organic suppliers. It's local coffee. Brewed locally. Tweek? TWEEEEK!!



: (from behind door) AGGHHG!
: Have you picked up the fresh local ingredients?
: (from behind door) AAAHGHGH NOT YET DAD!!! I'M STILL TRYING TO DO ALL MY CHORES!
: Well hurry up, son, the family business is relying on you!
: (from behind door) AHGHGHGHGH!!

: Hello there. If you're looking for Tweek, he's in the back room, unattended. Unattended, like a pristine meadow known only to the wild horses that graze there. Would you like to try some coffee? It's fresh, like a sun-dappled cornfield ready for harvest.
: You know, here at Tweek Brothers, we believe in using homegrown labor. That's why our son toils in the back all day. Sure we could hire workers, but I guess we just care a little more.
: Which of our local coffees would you like to try?



Tweek Bros. Coffee is the only place you can buy the Speed Potion Ultra. Be sure to buy one. $15 is really expensive at first, but doing so is the only way to become Facebook friends with Mr. and Mrs. Tweek. This is something I didn't know until just very recently.

: That purchase qualifies you to be a friend of Tweek's coffee online. As a friend of Tweek's, you'll receive fresh, homegrown emails. Then we'll sell your information to local spammers. Sure, we could sell it to one of the big national spammers but... I guess we just care a little more.

: You should try some coffee. It gives you that edge you need to stay focused at school.



In the back room we find Tweek.

: AHGHGHGH! How am I supposed to do all this?! There's no way, man! Starbucks has like eight employees! Here it's just me!! GAHGHGH!!!
: More coffee!! Need more coffee!! AGHGHGH!



: What's this?! AH!! NOW?!?! The guys need me now?! Oh there's no way man! I have WAY too much to do! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ALL THIS?! Wait - YOU! Could you go get the four o'clock delivery for me?! If you do I can finish here and then - and then I'll still have time to play! PLEASE! Would you?! It's at Kenny's house - like always! Y-you give them THIS - They'll give you the delivery!

: I can't play until all the work is done! If you get the delivery for me I can finish here!
: The delivery is at Kenny's house! AHGHGHGH!!
: The secret ingredient, man. From Kenny's place. Hurry!
: Oh Jesus!

Jesus. He needs to switch to decaf. We'll put that on the back-burner for now. We have a town to finish exploring.



: Psst. Pssst, hey. Over here.

There's that noise again. I swear it's the wind. You guys hear that, right? Am I going crazy, or is it just the wind?

For reasons obvious to anyone who's played this game, I'm putting off Al Gore's sidequest until later.



This guy's still working the ticket booth in 2014? He was working in there in 1999 when the first Asses of Fire came out.

: I wish I had some friends.
: Ha! As IF you could see this movie!
: It's like you are stalking this movie.
: I was your age like a million years ago.
: The answer is no, you cannot see this movie.
: Have fun NOT seeing the Terrance and Phillip movie!
: Seriously, I don't even remember being as young as you.
: This movie is really sweet, too bad you guys can't see it.
: I liked The Stapler. I thought it was some of Rob Schneider's better work.
: How does it feel to totally not be able to see the new Terrance and Phillip movie?
: It's like totally awesome to be mature like me and not immature like you twerps.
: Walk by as many times as you want but you are never getting into THIS mature-rated movie.
: Hey you kids wanna see a movie? Oh that's right, you can't, cause it's rated R and it's too mature for you.
: Nya nya nya nya nya. You have to prove your maturity to see this movie and you can't because you are not of sufficient age.

Wow. Fuck this guy.



Too bad he's so interested in his phone that he just missed us sneaking into Asses of Fire 2.



: I am Damien, the Antichrist, the Son of Satan, and I have never witnessed a thing as hideous and vile as the one you mortals call Rob Schneider.
: Your blood will slake the thirst of a thousand fallen angels if you post anything motivational, or lame, or wimpy on my Facebook page.

I told you guys the police weren't looking very hard. Of course, it could be argued that Damien is being punished already. The theater is endlessly playing previews for Rob Schneider movies. We're also now Facebook friends with Damien.



There's a few items in here. If we want to get the item behind all these breakable chairs, we need to enter from here.





The Action Hero Badge gives us some PP back when we kill something. That's all we can do in the theater, so back out we go.



Wow. Fuck that guy. Seriously.

Something I haven't mentioned yet is that you can fart on demand. Just press up on the right thumbstick and you will fart. I think it's time to get some revenge.

The Chinpokomon, by the way, was on top of the ticket booth.



: Ah, god! There's no ventilation in here!





Up this street here we can find the last few screens of town.



I forget if the game ever explicitly tells you or not, but the last of the warriors we need to track down, Token, lives in Dark Meadows Estates. Let's see if the guard will let us in.

: This is a gated community, sir. We do not allow in the riffraff. Move along sir.

Well that was rude. Let's see if we can talk things over...



: If you try again, I will pepper spray you back to the Stone Age.

: I warn you, sir, I have five years training at the mall. Move along, sir!
: Sir, I'm a professional security guard. It is impossible to get past me.

Let's just move on. We'll come back to get Token later.



: HAHAHAHA Dude someone just posted a video of you getting pepper sprayed! Hold on I gotta watch that again. AHAHAHAHA it's even better when you know what's coming!
_{Butters and 3 others like this.}
: Jimbo's Guns carries a selection of gas masks that render pepper spray totally useless as a self-defense. Come visit.

Jimbo's Guns, eh? Let's go see!



Also time for another change-up. We're wearing 80s Action Hero shades.



On the next screen to the left is the mall. We can't go past the gate. This screen will be more lively later on in the game. Moving on...



What happened to City Sushi?



The Tower of Peace is a little to the left of City Sushi. If you look in the lower left corner you can see a small child poking her head out from behind the fast travel caption.



: I couldn't decide where to hide!

Now that I'm thinking about it, let's go round up some of the hiding kindergartners.



Back on the second row, I neglected to mention that we could crawl into the open manhole.



We'll extensively cover the sewers later on, but on this first screen we can see one of the children hiding behind a pile of garbage.



: Filmore told me to pick that spot. Pretty good, huh?



Jenny is hiding behind a tree near Stark's Pond.



: This place is dark and scary. What if you never found me?

That's 2/3 of the hiding children. We'll get the last two later on. For now, the Tower of Peace screen has one more location to visit.



City Wok.



I mean Mongolian Wok. I guess.



: Goddamn Mongolians...
: (if you try to talk to the elf kid) Hey, no fighting in here!

I'm not going to type the awful racist accent he uses. Just mentally substitute the letter "r" for the letter "l" in Mr. Kim's speech and you have it. He also slurs the name of his restaurant as "Shitty Wok."

Video:

: Hello, welcome to City Wok! Take your order, please!
: Only thing we serving today is Mongolian beef. Mongolian beef so good, oh I just LOVE it.
: Oh, hello Mongolian!





: (whispering) Shh... Mongolians are watching. They conquer me last week. Act natural.
: Oh yeah, Mongolian beef, mm, so tasty, right? Wow...
: (whispering) It not tasty at all! It gross! Don't eat it! You eat Mongolian beef, you shit your pants for five days!
: (waving) Hello, Mongolian!





: (whispering) Please, you gotta help me out. The Mongolians all live like rats in the Tower of Peace next door! I'll keep the adults occupied here. You go top of tower and beat up all their kids! Beat up all the Mongolian kids! Then Mongolian think this neighborhood not a safe place. They move away! Go! Go! Beat up the little Mongolian kids!



: (waving) Oh, hello Mongolian!

Sometimes there just are no words.





The last screen of the town has Jimbo's Guns and the bar.

: Who, Wha-?? Hey, I guess I hit it a little hard at the bar this morning... Thanks for waking me up, kid. You on Facebook?
: Shit, I got to get to work!

We're now Facebook friends with Kenny's dad. Let's go into the bar.





I lost count. How many are we up to now? Anyway, Skeeter has a quest for us.

: Well, well, you supposed to be some kind of knight of the round table? Welcome to Ye Olde Skeeter's tavern. Tell you what, good sir knight, I got rats in the basement. Big uns! That's why I got stuck with her majesty's goddamn health code violation. You think you're a real dungeon dweller, then go clear out them rats outta my basement. Well, what are you waitin for? Make fucking haste.

: You kill any of them rats yet?

We're a real adventurer now. We've been sent on a quest to kill rats. The basement is right over there, so let's take care of it now.



The basement is pretty dark, but you can see a couple of the rats hanging around. They appear to have dorsal fins.





It turns out that rats have a debilitating weakness to both being set on fire and to being smashed with a hammer. Yes, Butters hit the thing so hard that it stopped existing altogether.



This basement also lets me demonstrate a neat mechanic we won't be introduced to for a while. See that jar of moonshine I have targeted?



If you stun a rat on top of the spilled moonshine (after you shoot it naturally) and then shoot the neon sign...



You take out one of the rats in the resulting surge of electricity. You even get full experience and item rewards for doing so!

Cutting out the rest of the basement because it's just two more battles with rats that end on turn 1...



: Damn if you ain't a noble knight after all. Alright kid, here ya go.



: We don't take kindly to your type around here. Except you. We like - we like you.
: Them rats got what was coming to em. I had you figured wrong, kid.

We're also now Facebook friends with both Skeeter and the Bartender. But the real prize are the bar darts. These things are incredibly nice.



Look at the innate bonuses over on the right. Really high damage, you fire three projectiles randomly, bleeding, and increased damage on perfect attack. We can make them better.



Each enemy now hit by a dart is afflicted with two stacks of the bleed debuff. If there's only one target, then they will get hit by all three darts. A full five stacks of bleed sounds really nice for one turn.

: Now that the rats are gone the roaches are breeding unchecked. Guess we shouldn't have fucked with mother nature.
_{Bartender likes this.}

Into Jimbo's Guns we go.



: Well hello there Jimbo and Ned!
: Well! What brings you here today? Business or pleasure? Or vengeance?
: Vengeance!
: You've come to the right place.

: Howdy there! Haven't seen you before. You must be the new kid that moved to town - and you're into huntin', huh?! Well, my boy, you've come to the right place! South Park is chock FULL o' things to shoot that would delight ANY taxidermist, survivalist or weekend animal death enthusiast! Ain't much I can sell to a minor - thanks to the stupid Democrats - bu-but if you can prove yourself a REAL hunter I might be able to get you some better stuff. You should buy a copy of the Hunter's Guide to South Park Wildlife! This book thingy here!
: The Guide to South Park Wildlife is everything a hunter needs to know about the beasts of Central Colorado. Got some things for sale might help your hunting. Interested?



This is a game-spanning sidequest. We can get a start on it now, but it will be an incredibly long time before we can finish it.



We should also buy this while we're here. We are gonna need this soon I suspect.





We can very nearly afford these. The katana and the crossbow are the two strongest weapons in the game. It's a pity we can't actually equip them until the end of the game. Some day...

: You remind me of a guy I served with in Nam.
: Remember you can legally kill anything in self-defense.
: Do you need to borrow my voice box?

: Shot and killed any of them animals in the Wildlife Guide? I'll make it worth yer while!

: Don't think you're going to have an easy time finding those beasts I told you about, New Kid.
_{Ned and 2 others like this.}
: Remember - those bastards will only come running if you offer 'em something they can't resist!
: Oh, that's right! You'll have to use one of the items I gave you to tempt them out!

We'll start on that later. First, though...



Because it's an easy sidequest, let's go evict the Mongolians from the Tower of Peace.



When we enter, this kid hits his gong and the stairs raise. We're also thrust immediately into combat.





One round of darts later and you can see just how insanely broken bleed damage is.



Butters' lightning attack can very nearly one shot these guys.



Up on the next floor we can set off fireworks. There's another fight, but it's just as easy as the first one.



But the reward is amazing.



It has the same damage range as the darts, but deals extra fire damage? Sign me up! Of course I also apply the toothpick to it, so it adds bleed damage as well.



If you walk through this hole, you can grab a hanging key.





But you shouldn't also forget the Chinpokomon.



These are in the little toolbox on the left side of the tower.



Yet another piece in our "break the game in half" kit! This is an armor accessory.



We need to be level 4 to properly break the combat. We'll make do until then.



: Oh boy, a door puzzle!



It's not a very difficult puzzle. The piece is hanging over to the right.





Slot it into place...



Shoot the dragon's eye and the door opens to the roof.

Video:



Um...



Err...



Boss fight time! The video link above has the fight in all of its glory.



The Mongolian Horde has 509 health. That is a lot more than anything else we've fought up to this point!



I set them on fire and apply three stacks of bleeding with the bow.



They retaliate by shooting flaming arrows at Butters.



Then on the second round of combat I shoot with a bow again, giving the boss a 5 stack of bleeding. That tick damage is a killer!





Let's go back to Mr. Kim for our reward.



: Mongolian beef smell like Lionel Richie's asshole.

: There you go, kid. All the City chicken you can carry. You do good work. I'll help you fuck up Mongolians any time you want. Not bosses, though, they too tough. You call me with this. I give you one per day.

: Sorry, you can only summon me once per day. Or else who's gonna sell this City Beef? Come back tomorrow.

Yeah, we just got our third summon item. Just one more to go and we've got all of 'em!



Time to break this sucker wide open.





Look at those patches and think about how we can attack. We can now cast Dragon's Breath indefinitely and will heal ourself whenever we do so. There is armor we'll get later on that makes this kit even more absurd.



Speaking of Dragon's Breath, now whenever we cast it, all of our abilities get even stronger.

Let's go find some elves to make friends with.



Your eye is probably drawn to the right side of that image with the very large numbers coming out of that elf we just set on fire with our bow. But look over top of Douchebag. See those green 10s? Yeah, we just healed ourselves for 30 damage just from shooting arrows.



Hey Mr. Security Guard, I want a rematch!